Where’s the Funny? Newsletter
Volume 2: December 2019
HINDSIGHT IN 2020
When I moved to Uruguay in 1989, I was often asked if I worked for the FBI. Sometimes the query was upgraded to “Do you work for the CIA?” but always there was an implication that I was not who I said I was – a freelance travel writer. This rather annoying bit of paranoia seemed to be a common trait of people who recently emerged from military dictatorships (Uruguay 1973-85; Brazil 1964-85; Argentina 1976-83; Chile 1973-90; Paraguay 1954-89). On the other hand, when I mentioned I was from the United States, the most common responses were:
- Are you going to invade us? The United States military had not too long ago landed in Grenada (Operation Urgent Fury in 1983), to rescue some 600 medical students and prevent a repeat of the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis. The long arm of US law also had been on display in the dramatic and high profile 1989 extradition (from Uruguay) of Raul Silvio Vivas, an Argentinian later convicted of laundering a reported US$1 billion in Colombian drug profits through 33 Los Angeles jewelry stores. I should add that other versions of this include “I hope you invade us!” and “Please take me with you!”
- Does everyone in the United States have AIDS? The 1980s saw a flood of famous HIV / AIDS diagnoses (e.g. Rock Hudson in 1985; Freddy Mercury, 1987; etc.), and it really hit home with the public announcement from Brazilian Rock icon Cazuza that he was HIV positive in 1989. It didn’t help that Uruguayan TV viewers were addicted to Dallas (1978-91) and Dynasty (1981-89) (and eventually Baywatch, from 1989-99), which promulgated the idea of a highly promiscuous U.S. citizenry (who deserved to be cursed with this horrible condition).
- Does everyone live in a mansion? Blame this one on point #2 above – and especially on Dallas, the TV soap opera which perpetuated the idea that every American was rich, lived on a huge ranch (or in a mansion) and had “sexy, sexy” 24/7 – and everyone looked like Victoria Principal or Patrick Duffy and acted like Charlene Tilton (maybe taller), but not Larry Hagman.
Fast forward three decades to 2019 and the world view of the United States is still mostly controlled by television. Watch CNN International every single day and you’ll come to the conclusion that: 1) The U.S. military is still everywhere, including most kindergartens; 2) Everyone in the United States does NOT have AIDS, but instead has a fentanyl problem; and, 3) Everyone does NOT live in a mansion – it’s FIVE mansions (blame the Kardashians for that one) – OR, they are homeless. And that’s why I prefer to watch the BBC, where we remain simply fat, loud and ill-mannered. Amen.
QUOTE:
“Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.”
– Jack Kerouac, beat generation icon / author of On the Road
WTF? NEWSLETTER
WHERE'S THE FUNNY? In Cooperstown, New York
Sure, the National Baseball HOF and Museum is awesome, but ...
… as God is my witness, there is just as much joy to be found here outside the hallowed walls as within.
I know. HERETIC!
As a child of Cincinnati’s revered Big Red Machine, what I am about to relay is unspeakable: I released an equal amount of dopamine reading the back and forth letters from Aaron Burr to Alexander Hamilton at the Fenimore Art Museum as I did seeing the National Baseball Hall of Fame plaques of Doggie, Little Joe and Johnny. There, I said it. Whew! That is a load off my chest. I mean, just imagine this exchange:
Burr: Sir, I have reason to believe you have used expressions derogatory to my honor … calling me “a dangerous man” and offering one other even more despicable opinion of me. What sayeth thee?
Hamilton: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Burr: At the dinner party … from your language, injurious inferences have been improperly drawn. And sincerity and delicacy should point out to you the propriety of correcting errors which might thus have been widely diffused.
Hamilton: Dude, like, I can’t control what other people say.
Burr: If your disavowal and retraction is not forthcoming, then I will kill thee in a duel – but first we must go to New Jersey where murder is legal.
Hamilton: Whatever.
In reality, to satiate the public over the death of Hamilton, the entire exchange of letters between the two men (one example) was published in a newspaper and on display here. And what about this quote from John Adams, taken from a 9 January 1797 letter to his wife, Abigail:
“Hamilton I know to be a proud, spirited, conceited, aspiring mortal, always pretending to morality, but with as debauched morals as old Franklin, who is more his model than anyone I know.”
I mean, that’s pure gold! Beyond Hamilton v Burr, the museum also featured an incredible traveling exhibit from pop icon photographer (and LA neighbor to Steve McQueen) Herb Ritts (The Rock Portraits), a fascinating assortment of regional Folk Art and part of the huge (nearly 850 pieces!) Thaw collection of American Indian art.
Across the street at The Farmers’ Museum, in its 19th century fully working replica village (promotional video), I watched a man typeset and print a newspaper. Really. I did. I also stood in wonder as the local pharmacist carefully rolled and cut individual pills (!). The local blacksmith, alas, was on a break. There also was a craft beer exhibit (see image, at right). Did you know that between 1840 and 1900 New York grew more hops and brewed more beer than any other state in the country? Neither did I!
And all this is less than a half mile from downtown Cooperstown. I just hope the Big Red Machine baseball gods will find a way to forgive me. But really, who knew?
IMPORTANT NOTES: Avoid the crowds at the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum by taking advantage of extended summer hours, when it’s open until 9 pm. On a Tuesday in June, I had the entire place to myself from 6 to 9 pm. The Fenimore Art Museum will host exhibits featuring landscape photographer and environmentalist Ansel Adams, American artist Keith Haring and costumes from “The Sound of Music” in 2020. See the “Listicle: Cooperstown, New York” below for more ideas of what to see and do in the area.
Brush up on craft beer in baseball town
LISTICLE: COOPERSTOWN, NEW YORK
Absolutely:
Make no mistake, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum is the top attraction in Cooperstown. But there are several other things to see and do in the area. Here are a few great ones from my whirlwind visit there:
- The Fenimore Art Museum inside Fenimore House, built in the 1930s on the site of James Fenimore Cooper’s early 19th century farmhouse
- The Farmers’ Museum across the street from the Fenimore House
- Spend a few hours with the Giamatti Research Center archives (NOTE: Call ahead if you have specific needs – the archivists (are super helpful!)
- Stay in a B&B: I stayed at Jack and Gayle Smith’s Overlook B&B, but there are several and most are within walking distance of the historic downtown
- Have a hot dog and watch a few innings of U12 baseball at the Cooperstown Dreams Park about five miles from town
Next time:
My time was limited to just about 28 hours in Cooperstown. The next time I visit, I would recommend staying at least three days / two nights – longer if you just want to enjoy the beautiful scenery and relax. Here is what I would do next:
- Spend MORE time with the exhibits inside the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum – there is so much to read; so much to see
- Ride a bike the approximate 20 mile loop around Otsego Lake
- Spend an afternoon at the nearby Ommegang Brewery or Fly Creek Cider Mill and Orchard
- Just eight miles outside of town, check out the opera or musical theatre at the Glimmerglass Festival, which runs July 11 through August 16, 2020
- Sit on Main Street and just watch the world go by – ice cream cone in hand
IN PRACTICUM
REAL ID: No, we are not fuckin' kidding you!
Yes, it’s finally here – and we’re not even in China: REAL ID. The Libertarian in me wants to pontificate that this law takes us one step further down that slippery slope of relinquishing all things private. And that the U.S. government’s desire to create a national database – for our own protection! – will ultimately lead to the nefarious use of biometrics (e.g. facial recognition, fingerprints etc.) to monitor and correct people’s behavior. But this is the United States, right? And we don’t have to worry about that!
So, here’s the back story. The REAL ID Act was passed by the U.S. Congress in 2005, after a recommendation from the 9/11 Commission stating that the federal government should establish a set of security standards for state-issued driver’s licenses and identification cards. This was all driven by the events of 9/11, where foreign agents were easily able to obtain the necessary IDs that ultimately allowed them to carry out their horrific plot.
While this list is pretty narrow, the specific reasons to have a REAL ID are for people who need to:
- Access federal facilities
- Board federally regulated commercial aircraft (in human speak, “fly domestically”)
- Enter nuclear power plants
Many states initially balked at the request, citing “overreach” and the enormous expense of replacing antiquated technical systems. This story in Government Technology magazine sums it up rather nicely. But now, a mere 15 years later, all 50 states are on board.
So what do you need to do? Maybe nothing. But if you fly domestically and you don’t feel like carrying your passport – or if you don’t have a passport – then you should probably get ready to go stand in line.
Check out the requirements for the state of Illinois in the sidebar on the right. Your state – since this is all about creating uniformity – should have similar requirements.
EDITOR’S NOTE
I get it. But I’d still rather see taxpayer dollars spent on standardizing voting equipment and processes, which vary rather dramatically from state to state. Maybe in another 15 years.
How they handle it in Illinois:
You DO NOT NEED a REAL ID if:
- You have a valid U.S. passport or passport card OR
- You do not use airplanes as a mode of domestic transportation OR
- You do not visit military bases OR
- You do not visit secure federal facilities
You NEED a REAL ID if:
- You do not have a valid U.S. passport or passport card AND
- You use airplanes as a mode of domestic transportation OR
- You visit military bases OR
- You visit secure federal facilities
EXAMPLE:
- Follow these steps if you live in Illinois
- Use the REAL ID Interactive Checklist to prepare for your visit to the DMV (e.g. wear warm clothes and comfortable shoes)
QUICK SPINS
SURVEY: InterNations expats have spoken – the USA is #47!
Taiwan is the #1 place to live and work abroad, Vietnam is #2 and Portugal is #3, according to a survey of 20,259 expats conducted by Munich-based InterNations. As for the worst, Kuwait (64), Italy (63) and Nigeria (62) bring up the rear, the Best & Worst Places portion of the report shows.
In its sixth year, the survey also ranks 82 cities (PDF), with Taipei, Kuala Lumpur and Ho Chi Minh City at the top. For what it’s worth, the top ranked U.S. cities are Miami (27), Houston (35), Chicago (37) and Boston (58). The three other U.S. cities named in the survey are in the bottom 10, including San Francisco (77), Los Angeles (76) and New York City (74). The overall worst cities ranked are Kuwait City (82), Rome (81) and Milan (80), which somehow rates lower than Lagos (79)? C’mon now, people! (See the survey demographics)
Not surprising, the results rank Brazil, Colombia, Indonesia and Thailand as the best for “dating,” while Kuwait, Sweden (!), Switzerland and Austria are the worst.
Well, that ruins at least one travel fantasy. But if you need another reason to not visit Sweden next summer, just watch the horror movie Midsommar. Blondes have never been so terrifying.
RD.com: Tourists are the worstest ...
Doctor and dentist office staple Reader’s Digest surprisingly is still in business, probably because they invest vast resources boosting web traffic by tracking bad tourist behavior. It appears that drunken Australians are involved in the majority of these escapades, with Bali, Indonesia, and Mallorca, Spain, the primary magnets for the mayhem.
YOUR INPUT: Help shape WTF?
READER POLL #1:
READER POLL #2:
READER POLL #3:
NO DICE: Epic "See the USA" game made me learn U.S. cities / states
Am I the only one who gets perturbed when I see videos on, like, late night TV’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, of people who purportedly went to high school and even college but can’t find the United States on a world map? Granted, these folks are living in Los Angeles, where some people routinely pay, say, $500,000 to get their child (who doesn’t row and wouldn’t know a coxswain from a cockatoo) a rowing scholarship to USC. Thankfully, the boy at the end of “Can you name a country?” nails it.
Centuries ago when I was young, I played a peg board game by Chicago-based fun factory Cadaco Inc. called “See the USA.” First, I would spin the arrow to get a letter of the alphabet, such as “M.” Then, I would turn over the little 30-second hourglass sand timer and race to find as many U.S. city and state names that began with the letter “M” as I could. Michigan. Minnesota. Maryland. Mobile. Miami. Montgomery. It was so spectacular that I would play it all the time (by myself!) until I memorized all the states, their capital cities and the locations on the map.
So what do kids play these days to learn about geography? I found this on Amazon: Interactive USA Map by Think Gizmos. It features 500 facts about U.S. states under Info, Climate, Knowledge and Fun Facts categories. Think Gizmos also produces a global version called the Interactive World Map game.
You also may have seen something called “Little Passports” on TV. This is a monthly subscription service for “curious kids” who will learn about one new country (World Edition) or two U.S. states (USA Edition) each month. There are also Early Explorers, Science Junior and Science Expeditions versions – all delivered to your (physical) mailbox each month.
None of this will matter if the people who watch Jimmy Kimmel Live! also can not read.
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: Parc de la Chute-Montmorency, Québec
QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS?
First, thank you for reading this newsletter. If you have any questions about anything that appears here, please do not hesitate to contact me directly via email at: hello@wheresthefunny.blog.
PREVIOUS NEWSLETTERS
- Where’s the Funny? Volume 1 (November 2019)